A Friendly Reminder From Infection Control

All Hosptal Employees: Please keep your talons trimmed according to policy. We found a large fingernail in a patient's wound yesterday.

Complaint

Jane/Buckethead: I've received the following complaint on our Corporate Compliance Fax (I never knew the thing actually worked). Please let me know how you would like for me to proceed. I have a fresh death card I can throw at Ms. Washington if you wish....

La Complainta

Meester Complaint Sharky:

How como you no savvy my "EL Loco CEO" complaint? You CEO - she still trash white. She no good. She slut. She sleep my man and eat my food. She paint fingernail red like slut and she take my bra. I dont like. She no bueno.I take another picture Funsaver:

She send picture to my man like this. She take my medicine when she here and replace it with vitamins of Flintstone. She think I estupido, but I no estupido - I un-estupido. She soy gringo estupido pendejo.

You tell she bad. Stay away my husband and my medication.

My name Estella Guadalajara Santa Maria Sanchez-Fuentes Washington

UnaCrapper: You dawg, yo ass done been called out. I'm throwin' out my first death card on yo' ass.

I now know that it was your sorry ass who crapped on both Charlene desk and my own desk. You thought you were slick, sitting up there in the ceiling crawlspace, eating stolen Cheetos and drinking cheap malt liquor and touching yourself. I almost had your punk ass the other day, but you caught me at a weak moment and got away. And to shove it in my face, you broke into the CEO's and CFO's office, and stole their bonus Cheetos that they were supposed to distribute out to staff but kept for themselves. But I punk'd yo' sorry ass. Thats right, I dilly-dally diseased yo' ass by poisoning the Cheetos you stole. And I know you ate the shit too, because I've been tracking you through the Hospital crawl spaces. You're feeling weak now, arent you? The constant cramping has kept you retching and shitting almost non-stop. Your insides are turning to mush as you read this, you nasty-ass little green midget. Your eyesight is getting fuzzy and you are hearing things. Blood is trickling out of your orifices, and you have jock itch. That botulism is some pretty nasty stuff, and unfortunately for you, this particular strain is not curable. So wherever you are in the deep recesses of the Hospital, will be your final resting place.

You must be wondering how I figured it all out, since the Hospital doesn't have the technology to perform DNA testing on poo. Well, the answer was simple. I needed an extremely powerful source of energy to create a reverse magnetic phosphodiesterase, so I pulled the dilethium crystals from Belinda Biatchs's vibrator, used the acid diethylamide from the remaining blotter acid that Luther Cobblebritches and I consumed last weekend, and after ingesting this nearly toxic substance, used a simple magnifying glass to determine that the corn in the poo sample you left on my desk was of the same consistency you left in the sample you left on Charlene's desk, and the same that you left in the crawlspaces within the Hospital.

I'd like to close by laughing uncontrollably like they do on the James Bond Movies or like they did in Wayne's World (Uh-wah-ha-ha-ha), but it doesnt sound quite as good on paper.
-Captain Sharky

Turning the tables on you now, Waz

Hospital world security staff, hard at work!

Buckethead and Jane...Hope this answers the question you might have had about the placements of Cheetos! Got this view from one of the many camera around! All I can say is that I better be in on the "sick kid" fund or there just might be a few snap shots posted from other cameras around Hospital World....if you get my drift!

XOXO

The Waz!!!

Excursion of Fear

Only the 4 people in the car will ever truly know the terror of that day . . . but the closest glimpse we have has somehow survived

Important Memo - Contest

To: All Staff
From: Jane Smith, CEO
Date: 8/16/07

I have decided that instead of following blindly in the steps of the "Gung Ho My ASS" book, we at Hospital World should write a sequel so that we can impart our wisdom onto others

Contest: Name that Book

Submit suggestions for the name of the Hospital World morale boosting management book under the comment section of this blog or to redherringjane@gmail.com

Prize TBA

Good Luck!!

Memo: Turd Found on Desk

memo

To: Cherry Bomb

CC: Jane Smith, Captain Sharky

FROM: Charlene Crabass

RE: Turd found on desk

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Cherry,

Charlene Crabass here again. Look, I know you're young and stupid. But not stupid enough to think that it's OK for people to crap on my desk.

Yes crap on my desk. I'm quite sure it was Lola. Guess she got tired of stinking up the bathroom.

Well I've had enough of you and all the other young people around here. I guess you all think it's funny to talk on your cell phones, crap on my desk, and deface my kitty cat calendars.

Well screw all of you. I'm turning you into the new compliance officer. Bet you didn't know we have a new employee (you don't know much, now do you?).

Yeah, well we do have a new employee and his name is Sharky and he's going to INVESTIGATE your ass. Maybe get some DNA from Lola's ass while he's at it.

And oh, in case you're wondering, yep, I saved it. Put it in a very safe place. Like Monica Lewinsky's blue dress, I'm holding onto that. And like I said, it's in a safe place, so don't even think that you and Lola are going to be able to stroll in my office and confiscate my DNA rich crap sample. HA!

Charlene Crabass,

There is one order of beauty which seems made to turn heads. It is a beauty like that of kittens, or very small downy ducks making gentle rippling noises with their soft bills, or babies just beginning to toddle.”

Foot and Mouth Disease

interoffice memorandum

to: All Hospital world staff

from: jane smith, ceo

subject: Foot/mouth disease

date: 8/5/2007

cc: lucille French

Important information:

All staff member will be required to enter the parking the lot of the hospital through the Main Street entrance beginning Monday August 6, 2007.

Please take note that the leadership team at Hospital World is taking every precaution available to prevent the spread of Foot Mouth Disease in our area. We have purchased meat from overseas recently in a cost containment effort and unfortunately may be subject to infection.

As you can see from the attached picture, there will be a sprayer to disinfect you all as you drive through the parking lot entrance and we will also be providing injections to all employees free of charge.

This is MANDATORY. You may not return to work until you have submitted your proof of injection to HR.

Please see the attached article from the London Times for more information.

LONDON —

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown said Saturday that authorities were doing "everything in our power" to track the source of a foot-and-mouth disease outbreak and wipe out the animal illness before it wreaked economic devastation.

Meanwhile, Britain imposed a voluntary ban on exports of livestock and livestock products, the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs said.

The ministry said the ban applied to animals with cloven hooves such as cows, sheep and pigs. It covers live animals, carcasses, meat and milk and is effective immediately.

Speaking at his 10 Downing St. office, Brown said experts would work "night and day" to discover the origin of the outbreak on a farm in southern England as fast as possible.

"Our first priority has been to act quickly and decisively," said Brown, who cut short a summer holiday to deal with the crisis, which prompted a European Union ban livestock imports from Britain.

Japan said earlier that it had banned British pork imports. Beef imports from Britain have been banned in Japan since the outbreak of mad cow disease in the 1990s.

The European Union also banned livestock imports from Britain in reaction to the outbreak.

The outbreak is the first known case of the disease in Britain since 2001, when a foot-and-mouth epidemic started with a pig herd in northern England, spread to cows and sheep and eventually led to the slaughter of 7 million livestock, infected more than 2,000 farms and shut Britain out of the world's livestock export markets.

The government was accused of reacting too slowly, allowing the highly infectious disease to spread.

Many of the carcasses were burned on huge pyres that dotted the country, and large swaths of countryside were declared off-limits to visitors, damaging tourism. British taxpayers shelled out more than $2 billion for compensation, disinfecting, veterinarians and the slaughter. The total cost to the country was estimated at $16 billion at current values.

The Department of Environment, Food and Rural Affairs, or DEFRA, said animals on the farm near Guildford, about 30 miles southwest of London, had tested positive for the disease, which does not affect humans.

DEFRA did not immediately say how many animals were infected, but said all animals on the farm would be slaughtered.

At the infected farm, veterinary workers in protective white coveralls rounded up cattle. Vehicles entering and leaving were sprayed with disinfectant.

Authorities imposed a two-mile radius protection zone and a surveillance zone of six miles around the farm.

Scientists were carrying out tests to determine the strain of the disease, and whether vaccination would be possible to halt its spread.

The government was criticized for not using vaccines in the 2001 epidemic. A report on the epidemic by a senior scientific body, the Royal Society, concluded that vaccination should be a major tool of first resort in the event of future outbreaks.

Farmers nearby were worried, but hopeful that quick action would contain the disease.

"We are keeping our fingers crossed but there is really nothing we can do about it except wait," said Michael More-Molyneux, whose farm is about five miles from the infected site.

"Farmers around the country will be hoping and praying that this is an isolated incident and that the disease is not already widespread, because last time when we found out about it, it was already everywhere," said Tim Bonner, spokesman for the Countryside Alliance. "We hope and pray that the lessons from last time have been learned."