Mandatory Employee Testing

Due to recent increased turnover in the Texas Division, all managers are required to complete the following screening tool.

The next phase will be to have your staff complete the same tool and answer as they perceive you will. Be honest in this assessment -- large variances between your answers and other's perception will be evidence of dishonesty and/or severe delusional thinking.

Please post your scores in the comment section

Thank You in advance for your cooperation

Asshole Rating Self Exam

Progress Report for Boss Rainey

MEMO:

TO: Lucille French

FROM: Bartolmeu Martinho

RE: Progresso de Sr. Rainey



O Sr. Rainey não tem feito o progresso como nós esperamos e nós pedimos a aprovaçã0 para 14 dias adicionais de sua planta incorporada de EAP.

Durante este tempo nós continuaremos a trabalhar em suas habilidades de uma comunicação e edições de gerência da raiva. Em uma nota positiva fêz um trabalho excelente que alimenta as galinhas e nós esperamos que nós possamos o ensinar aplicar o mesmo que se importa aos assuntos humanos. Eu continuarei a mantê-lo informado de seu progresso.

Gracias

A Friendly Reminder From Infection Control

All Hosptal Employees: Please keep your talons trimmed according to policy. We found a large fingernail in a patient's wound yesterday.

Complaint

Jane/Buckethead: I've received the following complaint on our Corporate Compliance Fax (I never knew the thing actually worked). Please let me know how you would like for me to proceed. I have a fresh death card I can throw at Ms. Washington if you wish....

La Complainta

Meester Complaint Sharky:

How como you no savvy my "EL Loco CEO" complaint? You CEO - she still trash white. She no good. She slut. She sleep my man and eat my food. She paint fingernail red like slut and she take my bra. I dont like. She no bueno.I take another picture Funsaver:

She send picture to my man like this. She take my medicine when she here and replace it with vitamins of Flintstone. She think I estupido, but I no estupido - I un-estupido. She soy gringo estupido pendejo.

You tell she bad. Stay away my husband and my medication.

My name Estella Guadalajara Santa Maria Sanchez-Fuentes Washington

UnaCrapper: You dawg, yo ass done been called out. I'm throwin' out my first death card on yo' ass.

I now know that it was your sorry ass who crapped on both Charlene desk and my own desk. You thought you were slick, sitting up there in the ceiling crawlspace, eating stolen Cheetos and drinking cheap malt liquor and touching yourself. I almost had your punk ass the other day, but you caught me at a weak moment and got away. And to shove it in my face, you broke into the CEO's and CFO's office, and stole their bonus Cheetos that they were supposed to distribute out to staff but kept for themselves. But I punk'd yo' sorry ass. Thats right, I dilly-dally diseased yo' ass by poisoning the Cheetos you stole. And I know you ate the shit too, because I've been tracking you through the Hospital crawl spaces. You're feeling weak now, arent you? The constant cramping has kept you retching and shitting almost non-stop. Your insides are turning to mush as you read this, you nasty-ass little green midget. Your eyesight is getting fuzzy and you are hearing things. Blood is trickling out of your orifices, and you have jock itch. That botulism is some pretty nasty stuff, and unfortunately for you, this particular strain is not curable. So wherever you are in the deep recesses of the Hospital, will be your final resting place.

You must be wondering how I figured it all out, since the Hospital doesn't have the technology to perform DNA testing on poo. Well, the answer was simple. I needed an extremely powerful source of energy to create a reverse magnetic phosphodiesterase, so I pulled the dilethium crystals from Belinda Biatchs's vibrator, used the acid diethylamide from the remaining blotter acid that Luther Cobblebritches and I consumed last weekend, and after ingesting this nearly toxic substance, used a simple magnifying glass to determine that the corn in the poo sample you left on my desk was of the same consistency you left in the sample you left on Charlene's desk, and the same that you left in the crawlspaces within the Hospital.

I'd like to close by laughing uncontrollably like they do on the James Bond Movies or like they did in Wayne's World (Uh-wah-ha-ha-ha), but it doesnt sound quite as good on paper.
-Captain Sharky

Turning the tables on you now, Waz

Hospital world security staff, hard at work!

Buckethead and Jane...Hope this answers the question you might have had about the placements of Cheetos! Got this view from one of the many camera around! All I can say is that I better be in on the "sick kid" fund or there just might be a few snap shots posted from other cameras around Hospital World....if you get my drift!

XOXO

The Waz!!!